My Tattoos

     My first two tattoos ever are a pair that I have thought about getting since I was at Tassajara. It's been a decent amount of time since I got them, and I am still happy that I got them. I talked a little about them on Facebook when I got them, but I wanted to expound on the small blurbs I typed when I posted pics.
     Style-wise, I like that there is symmetry (they are both short phrases, one on each arm), but there is also asymmetry (the one on my right arm has a little wave shape to the text). Here's what they say: on my left arm, "Breathe through it"; on my right arm, "Turn the light inward". The lettering is basically my own "fancy" print. They are advice -- notes from myself, to myself. The first one, "Breathe through it", was said to me by a practice leader at Tassajara when I asked about what to do when I feel overwhelmed by negative states of mind. For some reason, the power of the utter simplicity and truth of this made a huge impact on me. I want never to forget this simple advice. Even though I know what I got tattooed on my arm, I like that I can look at it from time to time and remember that I at one point heard a piece of advice that I wanted to never ever forget. In some ways, it is like summarizing all the lessons I have ever learned from zazen in one sentence. Am I feeling physical discomfort? Breathe through it. Am I frustrated at work and cannot wait to get home? Breathe through it. Am I feeling such intense anger or sadness that unwholesome desires or daydreams manifest ceaselessly? Breathe through it.
     Especially now, onboard my carrier, deployed, trapped with a lot of people who are less enthusiastic than I am about being considerate of others, it is vital that I remember many things. First, my practice is for others. That is something that my teacher has said, and it is important not to lose sight of the fact that I practice for the benefit of others. While it is true that I suffer less through buddhist practice, my goal is to benefit those around me. Second, now is never forever. This "now" will always become another "now", complete with its own mind states and possibilities. Maybe it is really, really similar to the one right before it. But it is not the same. Whatever is happening in the present WILL change, sooner or later. I have only to focus on my breathing and remember the transient nature of reality. And hey, maybe I can learn something. Third, when I respond to negativity with more negativity, I am effectively taking on another person's bad karma. When someone lashes out at someone else, it is because they are suffering. Sadly, expressing that negativity leads to more suffering. I can either engage that negativity skillfully and help both parties suffer less, or I can engage it unskillfully and both parties suffer. This may be overly simplistic, but it is more or less the truth in interpersonal conflict.
     That third thing that I must remember ties in to my other tattoo. The phrase "Turn the light inward" comes from Dogen. I don't know which fascicle, but I bet it's one of the essays in Shobogenzo. The whole sentence is something like "Turn the light inward and take the backward step," but just the first part caught my attention. It's got a few meanings which I want to remember. One interpretation is that when I look at others' faults and judge them, I am shining a light on them -- like a beam of investigation, I find out their flaws and hunt for the causes of their behavior to solve their problems (or just feel superior). But I really need to take that beam and turn it on myself. This interpretation reminds me of a quote I heard attributed to Confucius: "When I see virtue in others, I vow to emulate it. When I see evil, I look within." Rather than waste energy critiquing the behavior of others, which not only doesn't help anything but is also a shitty habit in terms of personal growth, I should examine my own life and look for the ways I can be more skillful, compassionate, and wise. Besides, as another Dogen quote goes, "Only a fish knows a fish's heart." I have no idea what's going on for that other person over there. So it is not for me to judge. Another meaning of this phrase for me relates to learning truth, to finding a solution to a problem. I think it is fair to say that the root of every problem I have ever had, the source of all my suffering, lies within myself. But the good news is that inside is also the source of the end of suffering, the source of wisdom, the source of the solution. So there is no need to look for the truth anywhere beyond my own experience. This ties into the third meaning. This meaning is much more vague, and I only feel a sense of this meaning so far. It is something like, investigating within is the way to realize the truth. I feel like I maybe already said that, but this time I mean it more generally. Dogen says, "To study Zen is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. Forgetting the self, one is actualized by everything." So the first step in the great endeavor of realizing the truth of zen involves looking within and seeing exactly what it is that's there. I should do that. But I forget to do that. So I got a reminder tattooed on my right arm.