So there's this guy in my class... Let's just call him "Alex." Alex and I have a fair amount of static between us. A big part of that is because for whatever reason, he seizes every opportunity he can to be derisive, rude, or just plain mean to me. I don't understand why, but it really pisses me off. On top of that, I find most every other thing about him annoying beyond belief. He repeats the same jokes, the same TV show or movie quotes, day in and day out, and they're not even clever! Judging by his mannerisms I am 100% sure he is homosexual, yet he maintains he is straight. As a queer individual myself, this irritates me to no end. In summary, he possesses all the worst personality traits of a spoiled, eighth-grade girl. Because of this, it is extra infuriating that he has the gall to put me down.
It has occurred to me to pity him. After all, most people only put others down because they themselves feel weak or insecure. If he is in fact "in the closet," I should be understanding of the internal struggle that must be going on, having gone through it myself. It has also occurred to me not to judge him at all; reenforcing stereotypes, limiting what others can be based on the small ideas I maintain about life, well that's just plain shitty. And the extra suffering I experience from his mean-spirited comments is a direct result of my attempt to feel superior.
I am reminded of a talk Darlene Cohen gave where she talked about a woman at the weekly sangha meeting who would irritate her. What she had to do was practice letting go of the irritation when the meeting was over, and let the woman irritate her anew each week. I should try that. It's not just this one guy, though. Lots of stuff that lots of people do bothers me. Like when I vent about Alex to someone else, and they just calmly reply that we just have to not let small stuff bother us, cause we'll be in the same class for the next five months. It frustrates me when other people seem much more adept at letting small stuff slide... I'M the one meditating and chanting! Surely I should be the best buddhist in the room! Why are they so good at being collected if they don't even meditate? Why am I so bad at it? Would I be even worse if I didn't meditate? Is that all my practice is good for -- just being not-quite-as-shitty as I would otherwise be?
I confess I am guilty of wanting something from practice.
There's countless examples of other people bothering me, no point in trying to list them all. At Tassajara, at some point it became abundantly clear to me that I am always the only source of my suffering. Not my circumstances, not what happens to me, and certainly not other people, no matter how much it seems like it. I have always tried to remember this lesson. Well, as we can see from my experiences with Alex and other people, I am pretty forgetful these days.
Jizo Bodhisattva vowed to go to the hell realms in his mission to save all beings... As he is one of the guiding inspirations for me, perhaps I can be inspired to be more enthusiastic about finding myself in hell (i.e. around other people, per Sartre's quote) and continue towards my goal of saving all beings as well... Starting with myself.
