Shooting Guns

     So last weekend I went to a gun shop and shooting range to do the qualification shooting course on a pistol and an assault rifle for the navy.  It was not required -- I elected to do it... mostly so I could get a couple more ribbons.  The only ribbon that I have (given to every active duty sailor during the war on terror) was getting lonely.
     I have a lot of mixed feelings about gun laws in this country, but to sum them up I will just say that although I oppose the absurd accessibility to weapons which have no redeeming value for use in hunting (and am embarrassed that we purport to be the leaders of the civilised world regardless of that), I think that the already-existing proliferation of said weapons is best met with legal venues for non-criminals to obtain them as well.  But this post is not meant to discuss gun laws.
     My first impression of the people working at the gun shop and the customers was that they must have been made to feel very small and weak as children growing up.  How else to explain the way they crave security through mastery of lethal technology?  I feel like gun culture basically comes down to reverence for things of power by people who would otherwise feel powerless.  It seems really unnatural.  And for the record, I'm not talking about hunting rifles.  I'm talking about people who geek out over pistols, assault rifles and the like, priding themselves on knowledge that would really only ever be useful in the unlikely scenario that a violent burglar and/or murderer should break in to their home WHILE they were home and had easy access to one of their pieces... and also didn't lose composure in the heat of the moment.
     But then I got thinking about the culture I DO identify with... progressives, buddhists, lovers of science... people who revere an ideal for humanity that in all likelihood will never manifest in more than isolated pockets.  I am proud to be one of these well-meaning individuals who are only trying to make the world a better place, even in a small way, by proliferating wisdom and compassion.  And I got to thinking: why be an apologist for my tribe and not the gun nuts?
     When I considered the people in the shop beyond my initial, knee-jerk reaction, I could see more: that they were well-meaning individuals trying to make the world a safer place, even in a small way, by proliferating gun knowledge and responsible gun utility (the guns ARE already out there, after all).  And to be fair, I've gotten some harsh, knee-jerk impressions of the types of folks who usually get into buddhism and other eastern spirituality (brainy, conflict-averse cat people who want a monumental justification for their natural tendencies and feelings of being special from having grown up unpopular... or maybe that's just me).  But as with gun culture, there is more to this stuff than might first meet the eye (in my case a rather cynical eye).
     The bodhisattva Jizo made a vow: not to attain enlightenment until all the hells are totally empty.  This has been an inspiration for me in trying to expose folks in the navy to buddhism by practicing buddhism and joining the navy.  Realistically, it would probably be just as hard to get a right-wing gun nut to take up meditation as it would be to get a bleeding-heart liberal to take up gun advocacy.  But does that mean it's a waste of time?  Absolutely not.  I recall a quote from Siddhartha Gautama which advises that once we find a path to be good and true and worthwhile, that we follow it wholeheartedly.  That is what I mean to do.  My religion can be boiled down to living a worthwhile life.

     And after all, reality seldom conforms to the broad strokes our minds (my mind) paint... so there are no such things as gun nuts and buddhists, and still we can manifest dharma together.  I will practice my marksmanship in the hope that I never have to use it.  Maybe one of those folks in the shop will think twice before buying another gun.

What am I DOING?

     I accidentally hit the caps lock key when typing the title... but upon review, it seemed wholly appropriate.

     I read this on my facebook news feed, posted by Sweeping Zen:

"Teachers who think they are actually teachers teaching something are to be avoided. Good teachers are people who are themselves simply working on their own practice and are willing to share their lives as best they can with others. In this sense the 'best' teachers are often the worst teachers; the more brilliant the teacher, the more exciting, the more enlightened, the worse it is for the student. The student ends up lusting after time with the teacher, hanging on her every word, and forgetting that this is about him or her, the student, not the teacher." - Zoketsu Norman Fischer

     I think what caused a tightening sensation in my abdomen upon reading this was guilt... I must confess I have approached this blog and conversations with others, and even my intent to ordain and train in buddhist ministry (and maybe even in adopting the view that there can be such a thing as buddhist ministry) with a hope to teach someone something about buddhism.  In my defense, this is not an approach I have taken all the time.  But I have taken it sometimes.*

     I have two posts in draft status right now.  For both of them, what is holding me up from working on and finishing them (apart from a schedule at nuke "a" school which leaves little personal free time) is a desire to find and perfectly express some important point about life, buddhism, practice, whatever.

     Maybe it would be better if I return to my original intention, to use this blog merely as an extension of a practice of examining what is going on with my mind, rather than trying to express some truth I mistakenly think I have discovered in an effort to bring other people to zen practice.*

     Last thought: don't bhikkus mostly want to be left alone to do their own practice?  Hopefully my next two posts will be faithful reports of the goings-on of my mind and nothing more... Any epiphanies revealed therein are wholly the product of the mind of the reader and I take no credit whatsoever.

*After reading these sentiments to myself, I do realize how absurd they are considering I only started zen practice two and a half years ago.  How grotesque!

Why the Navy (take 2)

     My teacher was right; being a warrior is not buddhist.

     At first, hearing this set my mind a-whirl trying to justify how being in the military COULD be considered buddhist.  For example, the Navy's slogan is "A Global Force For Good."  In many ways, the navy accomplishes positive ends: defending citizens from violence, protecting trade routes, aiding victims of natural disasters, etc.  Also, the "war on terror" seems, in many ways, justified; the Taliban, Al Qaeda etc. are enemies not only of America but also of many peoples throughout the world whose only crimes are disagreeing with their ideology.  But ask the innocent victims of America's military engagements (and, as I have heard, they are numerous) whether we are doing the right thing... I am not sure they would be so supportive.  How many innocent civilians were killed in the efforts to oust Hitler and his allies?  But I digress.  Ultimately it did occur to me that if one vows to live for the benefit of all beings, it simply will not do to live only for the benefit of one's countrymen at the expense of one's enemies.  Being a warrior entails making politically-based distinction between who one will and will not benefit.
     Where does this leave me?  Is it a lie to continue to identify myself as "buddhist" while I serve in my country's armed forces?  I don't think that is so, either.  Where, then, is the middle way in carving out such precipitous practice...
     Perhaps it is in bringing compassion to the work that I do.  No matter what I do for a living, I can find dharma gates to enter; I can find ways to practice compassion and mindfulness.
     Perhaps it is in practicing non-judgment -- of my practice most of all.
     One of my favorite quotes from Suzuki-roshi that I read in Crooked Cucumber is from a discussion he had with his future wife who had asked him to summarize buddhism in one sentence.  He responded, "Buddhism is accepting what is, as it is, and helping it to be the best it can be."  Perhaps there lies the middle way for me: accepting the military for what it is and helping to make it better through my efforts.
     The bodhisattva, as I understand it, is one who puts off enlightenment until all beings have attained enlightenment.  So if my time in the navy is not "right livlihood," this is okay as long as I nudge someone, anyone at all, towards their own path of awakening.
     My teacher told me he didn't think I had it in me, to go into the military, to be a positive influence on whomever I encounter. Whether or not he meant this honestly and/or as disuasion from attempting this path, I felt, "well I won't put another head on top of my own!" and took it as a challenge.  And I intend to rise to this challenge.
     Even if I cannot help a single other person in living more mindfully or whatever, though, I still feel that walking this path can be beneficial.  In offering this experience to my practice, offering my practice to others who are not in the military, I am hopeful that I and anyone else I might come across may in some way benefit... even if I don't know how.
     In the first post addressing this topic, I focused on the issue of taking life and the futility of making distinctions between oneself, doing the right thing by not participating (though maybe helping in some way regardless), and another who actually pulls the trigger.  In this attempt to address some of the loose ends that left me feeling unsatisfied with my first post, I focused more on the issue of being of benefit to sentient beings.
     I still feel unsatisfied.  I feel like I could write a post a week on this topic and never be satisfied.  Really, this issue will be my koan for the entirety of my time in the navy... perhaps longer.  So far it's been a really effective "grindstone."  I just have to keep polishing...

     As a last thought, I want to say only that I think this blog might be a mistake.  It's not well-written and I only have about two and a half years of zen practice under my belt -- so I'm basically talking out of my ass about all the "facts" regarding buddhism, enlightenment, bodhisattvas, whatever.  So be warned.  I am doing this as a way to practice writing. 

Thoughts from Temporary Holding (Lessons Learned?)

     So after I graduated from boot camp, I had to spend two and a half more weeks on the base where they conduct boot camp in the Temporary Holding Unit.  We live in a barracks like the recruits do and eat at the galleys that recruits do, but we have many freedoms (like cell phones and liberty) which recruits do not have.  Ironically, though, I sometimes felt (and heard others express that they felt) that I/we would rather just still be in boot camp.  I was never completely serious, but it was still kinda funny (and honest).  I think the sentiment grew from the frustration at being treated less than we felt we should be.  This was a major observation I made again and again while I was in THU; comparing mind is a dependable source of suffering.  One example was already touched on: we would joke that at least in boot camp we got more PT (physical training... of course we also had a fitness room at our disposal 6 hours out of every day, but a bitchy sailor is a happy sailor).  Also, boot camp was more straightforward; in THU we were referred to on multiple occasions by several Petty Officers and Chiefs as "sailors in recruit status" as a way to describe the strange limbo we were in.  That brings me to the next example: in THU we had to jump through hoops to "earn" less priviliges than our counterparts who went directly to A-school were given straight away.  When we considered how few freedoms we had compared to how many our A-school buddies had (and how much more tedium we dealt with), we suffered.  And in my case, I suffered a lot -- often for long periods of time!  Usually it was helpful to consider that really, I didn't have it that bad: three meals a day, sufficient clothing and shelter, a large amount of free time...
     It often feels like that is the majority of zen practice -- re-framing our thoughts.  Yeah, I know.  Zen is about having no thoughts.  Or something like that.  So far, though, my experience has usually played out as follows: I notice that I am suffering.  I trace the root to some thoughts I am holding on to.  I pry my mind off these thoughts by using different thoughts... I substitute one "story" for another.  And unless I was mistaken, I'm pretty sure that was actually some advice from a venerable monk or two while I was at Tassajara.  Buddhism is a "story," but it is a very helpful story. (paraphrase)  For instance, we spent a lot of time in THU cleaning the ship: sweeping, mopping, wiping.  At Tassajara, we clean a lot too (except at zen monasteries it's called soji or samu, depending on if it's in the morning after service or some other time).  But when I was sweeping at Tassajara, I was thinking something like, "Look at me... being a real zen student... Oops I'm thinking! Let me use the activity of sweeping to practice no-mind... I wonder what's for lunch."  At THU (until I noticed this and reevaluated my thought process), I was thinking something like, "FUCK! I graduated boot camp! I should be at A-school learning my job, not cleaning the same shit over and over again!  How many times can I sweep the same ladderwell?!  I just KNOW Chief is gonna keep us like two hours after muster... There goes my liberty time!!"  I mean... I was doing the same thing generally speaking, what was really so different?  Oh yeah. My mind. 
     There are actually a lot of similarities between life in a monastery and life in the military.  At Tassajara, there is work meeting every morning.  In THU we muster and give out cleaning assignments.  Ceremony is very important to both communities:  zen centers ring the densho, strike the han... monks bow when entering the zendo, bow to each other.  Sailors salute the flag when the national anthom plays, "respectfully request to come aboard" a ship, salute officers... details perform the flag raising/lowering and other ceremonies.  In both communities there is a great deal of attention to detail.  Both recognize a greater meaning behind the garments they wear.  And in both communities, the day begins very early. :-)  Of course there are a lot of differences, too... How strange would it be if a teacher came up behind a student in a zendo, scolding, "Hey guy! Your meditation posture looks like shit!! Why don't you un-fuck yourself before I stick my kyosaku up your ass?!"  I think it would be more likely that the navy adopts non-violent communication across the board.  Though I don't imagine talk of destroying enemies will go away anytime soon.
    
     The last thought I had about Temporary Holding Unity is that (like everything else) it is/was temporary.  Whatever someone makes of it, it is not indefinite.  It may last a day, a few weeks, many months...  but it will not last forever.  It will pass.