One issue which I have been wanting to explore through writing about it is all the thoughts and feelings that come up for me when someone thanks me for my service. A lot of them are pretty negative, actually, and not always because it is difficult for me simply to receive the gratitude of someone else. If I give someone a present, it is easier. It is expected, really, so I think that is one reason why it is easier. But that gratitude is also partly the reason I gave the present in the first place: I wanted to make that person happy. If I do someone a favor, it is also easier to receive their gratitude. At least it is easier than receiving "payback" from them. For me, doing someone a favor is not about getting something back, nor is it about generating good will from anybody. It is simply about doing a good thing for its own sake. (Full disclosure: I am sure there have been a few occasions on which I did a favor for someone in order to get something in return, but I can't now remember them.) As for my choice to serve in the Navy, well... I've discussed that at great length. It is almost totally to accomplish my own goals. So from the get-go, having someone thank me for it makes me uncomfortable. My service is not a present, and it is not a favor. It is a transaction.
My knee-jerk reaction to many peoples' expressions of gratitude for my service is that for them, this gratitude is also transactional in nature. In exchange for giving adoration and respect to the military, they are basically entitled to a wide array of emotional/psychological rewards. For starters, they get to continue to co-opt the image they have of the United States military for use in bolstering their own feeling of self-worth or for use in combating feelings of insecurity. They get to mitigate discomfort they may feel for not serving themselves by astutely playing their role as dutiful civilian. They get to feel connected, somehow, to a world they will never know, to a culture they depend on.
I realize, of course, that this reaction is pretty flawed (like many knee-jerk reactions are) even while it may uncover some less-than-flattering nuggets of truth. For example, one group which tends to express gratitude for the military fairly regularly are actually vets or family of vets themselves. What is more, I know in my heart that basically all the people who thank members of the armed forces for their service are not doing so with a conscious feeling of transaction such as I have described. Perhaps there is some semblance of the struggle to cope with guilt or to fulfill a perceived duty, but it seems absurd to believe that such a struggle is taking place anywhere besides deep in the person's subconscious. And what's more, the presence of such a struggle is completely irrelevant; they are honestly expressing gratitude, and in my thoughts I am shitting all over it. At least, I have (often... more often than I'd like to admit). But in the aftermath of continual self-examination, I have begun to shift my attitude and to attempt different mental action.
This whole situation is reminiscent of my time in the high school drama department. I had been acting for a while by that point, and I took it fairly seriously. I was always my harshest critic. There were many times I would finish a show and feel pretty pissed about how I had done. In greeting my parents afterward, I would usually deflect any praise they offered with my own opinion of my performance. My dad had to remind me on more than a few occasions not to do that when, for example, our elderly neighbor or some other adult who had helped raise me offered their praise. "Don't be a jerk," he would say, "just thank them and smile." It reminded me of the Thespian Creed (don't laugh... okay I guess it is funny), which said, "...to accept praise and criticism with grace..." Years later and I still must remind myself of that lesson my dad tried to teach me: it is simply wrong to dismiss or disparage the thoughts or feelings of someone else just because I think I know better.
I also, however, have a right to my feelings... Like I have a right to look at a mass of housewives, Harley riders, and boy scouts waving flags at some event and think, "Dear God, how much better a country we would be if we could support teachers with this much enthusiasm..." Or, when a guy comes up to me and talks about his wife and two daughters, almost trying to inspire me with his mid western domesticity, I have a right to mentally ascend my high-horse and pledge my service to ALL Americans but most especially gay couples trying to get married and adopt children, Muslims outcast by their countrymen, poor Mexican immigrants living off food stamps, and pot-smoking hippies.
So, here's the deal: I want to make one more point. Then I will end this and move on. It is easy to thank soldiers, marines, airmen, and sailors. The only people they kill (as Chief pointed out, we do kill people for a living) are far away, and the decision to send us one place or another is in the hands of democratically-elected leaders. The direct benefit we provide is kind of hard to explain in detail, though it is absolutely certain, and it feels good to thank people who are charged with "National Defense." But what about those teachers? They are crucial, too. Or how about firefighters or paramedics? What they do is certainly more than just a job. For that matter, when was the last time anyone thanked a cop? Cops give us speeding tickets and can sometimes come off as a hassle, but I think they see more danger in their day-to-day life than I will in the bowels of a carrier, and they probably protect just as many Americans, since we kill each other more than foreigners kill us. My point is that there are a lot of people who contribute, who deserve to be thanked, too.
That's all I wanted to say, though. Even though I joined the Navy to travel more, to pay my bills easier, to experience more life and challenge myself more than I would have if I had stayed out, I gladly accept the gratitude of any who feel moved to give it. I can't deny that my reasons for joining do not negate the protection my service provides. I will stop putting words in your mouth. I will stop putting thoughts in your head. Serving in the Navy is my pleasure, and you are welcome.
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